Since when did the normal life become centered around drugs? Since when did the norm become having at least one, if not more, people in your life addicted? Since when did it become the norm for a mother to choose drugs over their own child? Since when did the norm become watching the sweet child that you raised turn into someone you don't recognize? I become more and more afraid of the world that my son is going to grow up in with each passing breath. I can't imagine a day where he wouldn't be the most important thing in my life, or the day that he would turn his back on me. Why do people choose to have their lives dictated by something that harms so many? Drugs not only affect you, they affect everyone in your life. It's selfish and weak. Why do so many people help out the people who do this stuff? Don't you see that you are just as bad as they are for enabling them to be like this? Don't you see that you are part of the problem? I am so fed up with having drugs invade my life. I am not the one doing them, I did not choose to have this drama and I certainly did not want to have my life tainted by this. I have a wonderful life. I can't imagine how life could get any better than being perfectly content with sitting on the couch with my family listening to my son read Cat in the Hat or watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. If that seems like a boring life to some then so be it, but my actions and my life aren't ruining the lives of everyone around me. I don't want to sit up at night and wonder if my loved ones are okay. Or wonder if they are finally getting caught. I don't want to have to see people I love go through hell. I don't want to look at them and see the shell of who they used to be. And I am so tired of feeling like a horrible person because I don't put up with the drama that comes with this. But that doesn't mean that I don't love them, it doesn't mean that I don't care about them, it just means that I'm not going to take part in being another person in their lives who pretends that they are okay. If that makes them think that I don't care then that says more about them than me I think. If that makes me seem like an unfeeling bitch then they don't know me at all. I would do anything for the people I love, but the one thing I will not do is enable them. But what bothers me the most is watching the people in my life be hurt by this. They didn't choose to have this invade their lives. I hate that there is nothing I can do to help them deal with this. If they think that love means being ignorant to what is right happening right in front of them then that is on them, not me. But I can tell you one thing, I am going to do everything I can to shield my son from this life. I don't care what it costs me. I can't picture him becoming another faceless drug addict. I can't picture me burying him one day because he got in over his head. I can't picture me having to visit him through bars. I never quite understood what women say when they say that there is no love as amazing as the love you have for your child, until I had little Bruce. I just pray that there comes a day when the town of Rogersville isn't known for the drugs and the drug addicts that reside there. It's not the world I want my son to grow up in. I hate reading the paper and being able to say that I know at least 2-3 of the people in the ARRESTED/WANTED section.
I guess that is about all I needed to say. I haven't blogged since July, but this is the only way for me to express what is on my mind to night. Prayer is a powerful thing and I just wanted to ask if you could please keep me and anyone else involved in a situation like this in your prayers. It's sad to say that I am pretty sure that the majority of people who read this will be able to relate. And if you are one of those people who relate to this then I am so sorry and you will be in my prayers.
